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What’s Wrong With Me?

August 10, 2014

“What’s wrong with me?” I ask myself this question daily. Sometimes I let it slide out of my head on the conveyor belt and ignore it. Other times I think about it quite obsessively. Or I think about it in different ways, “Why can’t I be more normal?” “Why can’t I just live like that person does?” “Why can’t I just be happy with me?” “Why did I live and she died or he died, why am I still here?” These thoughts creep into my head, they flood my brain and make me feel inadequate to be associated with people who I feel are better than I. They are not as sick as I am. They are not an addict, mentally ill and did not do bad things in active addiction or have bad things done to them. These are the real thoughts that go through my mind. This is as real as I’ve been throughout this journey. I am not perfect. I never will be and I have made some horrible choices in my life, ones I don’t think I deserve forgiveness for. The problem with that is….it keeps me sick. The thoughts take over. They win and I hide and avoid, alone in the dark with these questions and my mind beats me up inside telling me how I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve any of this. But something always pulls me back and I think I know what it is. Something always hears my cries from inside my head without the words coming out of my mouth, “Help me.” Then the moon shines on my face, she is there, and the breeze blows back my hair, and she is there, the ground, the grass is wet and cold beneath my feet, and she is there, the candle flickers, the flame, and she is there. She is inside me and reminds me I am unique and I am nothing. I am divine and I am ash. I am everything and I am connected to it all and it is connected to me. She embraces me and takes my hand. We walk side by side and she whispers without moving her lips of all the wonderful things I have done and all the wonderful things I will do. She is not above me she is not below me she is part of me and I of her. We work together. And tomorrow the sun warms my skin, the air, the water, the ground and the energy around me, the Goddess, spirit and The All. We are all part of a connected balanced and harmonious system of moving energy in this beautiful cycle of life.

From → Recovery

2 Comments
  1. carrythemessage permalink

    Love the shift there in your post and your perspective. I too struggle with the “am I worthy of all this?” and get into old thinking / behaviour. I wonder why I am defective. Why I am crushed with all this self-examination and why can’t I be “normal”. Well, normal folks have problems too. Big ones as well. They too have doubt and fear and unhealthy ways of dealing with things. I just spend too much time comparing my insides with their outsides. But you have that wonderful voice and light within that knows that all that stuff is superficial. I do too – I just don’t listen to it enough 🙂

    Great post 🙂

    Paul

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    • Amy McCalister permalink

      Thank you so much. It’s wonderful to hear from people who can identify. This is why I share my story publicly and write about my experiences so that maybe somewhere out there in cyberspace someone will see that they don’t have to live like that, they don’t have to die. The everything I experience and feel throughout this journey are important to share. It helps us feel that were are not alone. ~Love & Light~ Amy

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