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Today I Saw A Dead Man

March 3, 2013

Sometimes life just seems so hard and so pointless, I was feeling like using this morning, I won’t lie, I thought about it all the way to methadone this morning, then when we arrived I got a dose of humility and reality all in one fleeting moment.  Ambulances, firetrucks, and police were arriving and a man lay dead in the parking lot, there was no color in his face, lips purple, his life was gone.

People had just stood around and stared as two women pulled this 300+ pound man out of his car and tried to give him mouth to mouth, no one helped, they were hysterical when I arrived and told me what happened as I started at the man they were working on who was so obviously already gone.  The people who drove with him were worrying about how to get home and it was like, no one cared, at all, this man died right there in the parking lot and no one cared expect the two older women who struggled to help him.

Every craving I had to get high melted away as I watched them take away the man, the police were walking up to talk to the women who tried to help and everything felt so slow motion, I turned and went into the clinic with this overwhelmed feeling, life is so fragile, a lifetime gone in moments, and its over.  I don’t want to go to my grave with my life as it is, there has to be something more, I feel like I’m wasting my life, everyday I do the same things, maybe accomplishing a few monotonous tasks, the laundry, clean the house, do the dishes, cook dinner, go to a meeting, call my sponsor, all important, in their own ways, they add up to important things like basic living without the use of drugs but there has to be something else, something more, why am I here?

I’m plagued with this question today, and who am I? I’m just an ant in this gigantic world.  and I really don’t matter much to too many people, I don’t want to die with a legacy like that, known as the junkie who found recovery threw it away and threw away so much more then just my clean time, my dignity  my self-worth, my integrity, I feel so insignificant.  I don’t want to go to my grave being that person, and I could go to my grave at any time, no one knows their fate, anything could happen, I may not have as much time as I think and I’m just living a life filled with stressing over the mistakes I’ve made, my kids, the damage I’ve caused, the things that have happened to me.  No I’m not happy with that, something has to change, I have to change.

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From → My Story, Recovery

5 Comments
  1. Every single moment that you remain clean snd in recovery, you are changing and healing. And you mean a lot to everyone that reads your blog, including me. And just wait till your book is done! Your life has significant impact and meaning!! Don’t forget that!

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    • Thank you so much, my book should be released in the coming days. I try not to put too much pressure on myself but I keep changing things and I am toying with the idea of just getting it out there or sending it to my author friends to edit and give me notes. I don’t see what the rush is. Maybe I should send the manuscripts to my friends, they are three very different authors, one is another recovering addict who wrote on his life story and now he tours the country speaking on addiction, my grandmother has published many novels and books of poetry and one other country boy who I went to school with who has a completely different outlook on recovery and does not believe addiction is a disease, I value his opinion the most because he will look past content and let me know how it “sounds” and look for grammar errors. Spell check is not for writers. True literature should flow, like music.

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  2. Thank you so much, sometimes I feel like I see or hear things for a reason, certain things are meant to be. That man’s death, though tragic and sad, awakened in something in me. I have my bad days and I am filled with anxiety but, I do no t want to go to my grave a junkie. That is not the legacy I will leave behind. I want to do something with my life and I want to help people.

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  3. zbenavidez permalink

    This is a powerful post. I’m especially moved by the rawness of your honesty, something I’m working on in my blog and in my life (not that I’m dishonest, just that I’m not entirely forthright). I too fall into morbid reflection — which you describe so well as “stressing over the mistakes I’ve made, my kids, the damage I’ve caused” — but when I do that I reach out, I text or call a friend in recovery, or, if I can, I go to a meeting. I do something that gets me out of my head, which is a dangerous place to be (for too long). I’m glad I met your blog! Stay strong and committed. X

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    • Thanks so much, I’m tryin, every day I have to wake up and ask myself if I want to live or die. I try to learn and apply new things to my life which research shows any new habit you want to incorporate into your daily life takes three weeks of practice. So, that’s what I”m doing…my sister mentioned it the other day and it makes sense because change takes time. I’m so glad to have found you as well, good luck! Blessed Be!

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