Today I Saw A Dead Man
Sometimes life just seems so hard and so pointless, I was feeling like using this morning, I won’t lie, I thought about it all the way to methadone this morning, then when we arrived I got a dose of humility and reality all in one fleeting moment. Ambulances, firetrucks, and police were arriving and a man lay dead in the parking lot, there was no color in his face, lips purple, his life was gone.
People had just stood around and stared as two women pulled this 300+ pound man out of his car and tried to give him mouth to mouth, no one helped, they were hysterical when I arrived and told me what happened as I started at the man they were working on who was so obviously already gone. The people who drove with him were worrying about how to get home and it was like, no one cared, at all, this man died right there in the parking lot and no one cared expect the two older women who struggled to help him.
Every craving I had to get high melted away as I watched them take away the man, the police were walking up to talk to the women who tried to help and everything felt so slow motion, I turned and went into the clinic with this overwhelmed feeling, life is so fragile, a lifetime gone in moments, and its over. I don’t want to go to my grave with my life as it is, there has to be something more, I feel like I’m wasting my life, everyday I do the same things, maybe accomplishing a few monotonous tasks, the laundry, clean the house, do the dishes, cook dinner, go to a meeting, call my sponsor, all important, in their own ways, they add up to important things like basic living without the use of drugs but there has to be something else, something more, why am I here?
I’m plagued with this question today, and who am I? I’m just an ant in this gigantic world. and I really don’t matter much to too many people, I don’t want to die with a legacy like that, known as the junkie who found recovery threw it away and threw away so much more then just my clean time, my dignity my self-worth, my integrity, I feel so insignificant. I don’t want to go to my grave being that person, and I could go to my grave at any time, no one knows their fate, anything could happen, I may not have as much time as I think and I’m just living a life filled with stressing over the mistakes I’ve made, my kids, the damage I’ve caused, the things that have happened to me. No I’m not happy with that, something has to change, I have to change.