My Decent Into Hell
I have hundreds of handwritten pages and typed pages completely unorganized and in no way do they fit together as they are. With some time I will be able to put all of those pages together into a book on my life as a junkie.
It started when I was born. I had something in me “normal” people do not, I was predisposed to the disease of addiction and along with it the obsessions, compulsions and every other aspect of an addictive personality. The pleasure center of my brain reacts differently then other people because I am an addict, I was born with it. I am genetically designed to behave and react to get what I need to satisfy that pleasure center. It may have remained in check for many years but it was always there, my behaviors always displayed themselves in self-seeking, self-centered ways.
The disease of addiction ate me from the inside out and I did not know it and no one could stop me. When catastrophe struck at the age of 30, the devil inside was laying in wait. It was no long after my husband left and my father died that I was introduced to a sweet little slice of euphoria called Hydrocodone, or Norcos, 10’s however you want to describe them. Within months of hurting my back I was get 120 Norcos, 90 60 mg Oxycodones, and 120 Somas a month. Needless to say after I learned of someone close to me injecting the Oxy’s, I was all about taking that plunge deeper into Hell. He was more then willing to oblige. He romanticized it, glamorized it and said it would be the most intense feeling I would ever have in my life.
Within 9 months of my father’s death I was a full blown junkie, addicted to opites, smoking crack, and shooting up cocaine. Next I was signing over my children to my sister. I lived in that vicious cycle of Hell for years and nearly died several times over. I should not be alive today. I got away from him for a few months once but he sucked me back in. It took an eternity to escape the devil inside me and the harder I tried the stronger it got. I needed help, I could not fight it alone.
When I got the help I needed through Methadone Maintenance and Narcotics Anonymous, I finally got clean. I was so happy, I got my kids back, have an amazing, deeply caring man in my life. But I nearly threw them all away again last summer when I relapsed. I survived it, got the help I needed again and I am back on track, living one day at a time. It is not easy though, I carry the guilt of what I have done with me every day. I need to learn to let go, I need to learn a lot of things. I can only do it one day at a time though.
- Realistic Advice – Letter From the Author of 30 Days of Recovery (amylong1933.wordpress.com)
- Cocaine addiction causes ‘feed-forward’ loop (futurity.org)