In The New Year I Will….
I have never been one to make or even really consider making new year resolutions. I’ve always just changed or tried to change whatever needed changing when it needed to be changed. In active addiction I of course did not care about changing anything because I lived in cycles with very little voluntary change. This year however, I have found myself in a negative slump at the beginning of the New Year. I am facing health issues that have forced me to look at mortality, something I’ve never thought much about because of the nasty and vicious cycles of addiction. My self absorbed lifestyle prevented me from thinking about the consequences of my dangerous behaviors and now I’m forced to look at it. Some other family issues have arisen and all of it out of my control and out of my hands. This really put a new meaning to “life on life’s terms” for me.
Each day since the new year has brought more bad news or something has come up that needed to be dealt with that I don’t want to deal with. With all of these things going on, my doctor is saying to get rid of the stress or it will kill you. Death at 37? I’m not ready yet. I have fought to hard and come to far to give up now. But, it has made me face the fact that I’m almost 40 years old, I didn’t die when I should have and now I might when I shouldn’t? This is scary and has really affected my state of mind.
Through all of my coping skills and all of the knowledge I’ve acquired, it all goes out the window when it comes to myself and my family. When I’m facing a crisis, I’m human and I get angry and I get frustrated and I get cynical, sarcastic and down right grumpy! There is one thing that I’m able to focus on, tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow I can try harder, tomorrow is New Year’s Day for me all over again with new resolutions and new changes. The first step to change is being aware that something needs to change. Once I’m aware I can’t ignore it anymore.
A friend told me yesterday the cure for depression which would be especially helpful in this blistery winter weather. Each day do these three things and you shall cure depression! 1. Go up to a stranger or associate and shake their hand for 3 seconds. 2. Go up to someone you know well and hug them fro 6 seconds. 3. When you feel your absolute worst and feel the most despair, force yourself to smile for at least 3 minutes straight. This makes complete sense to me.
In this new year I will make each day count. I will try to change negative thinking, I will wake up with gratitude in my heart and treat each day like the new beginning it is.