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Raw, Real and Honest ~ The Real Amy

August 21, 2014

As I made changes to my blog yesterday. I tried making it more user friendly looking over older posts and some thoughts kept entering my head about b832e1440f6adb8fb4f85706f81e5235some things people close to me have said. They’ve talked about it’s great work I do sharing my story and writing about the things I have learned and experiences I have had. They have said it is wonderful that I inspire people and try to help by spreading awareness and education on addiction, prescription painkiller abuse and addiction and in particular opiate addiction and treatment of opiate addiction with recovery programs and methadone maintenance. I am an advocate of methadone maintenance and how it saves lives but more importantly how it gives us a life to live. I have also taken quite a beating so to speak, for my outspoken advocacy of methadone therapy and treatment programs because some people don’t agree.

Back to the topic at hand, the real subject of this post. Those same people who know me personally also say “that’s all wonderful and admirable, but you don’t tell them about the things and problems you go through currently that are challenging you, you’re mental health and you’re recovery.” Gee golly gosh why didn’t I think of that? Because they’re right and I don’t share the negative struggles of my day to day living. In my mind I think if I share my personal daily battles then it could scare a newcomer. If I share about my anxiety and agoraphobia it will make me look weak and sick and crazy and then who would take me seriously?

This blog is a journey. It is about the good, the bad and the ugly on the path down through the hell of active addiction and back. It is about recovering from the hell of active addiction and the continued journey through recovery. I have only been sharing for the most part, the good parts, the good milestones and the positive aspects to encourage hope and faith in people. I may throw a post or two in about a challenge I have faced but for the most part I’m hiding behind a computer and writing about the sunny happy parts of recovery. If I hide behind a computer screen and only write about the good things then I am not giving myself completely to my readers. Living behind a computer screen I can portray a persona of positive hope for people which on one hand is a wonderful way to give hope and faith so that others can find recovery and begin their own journey. But on the other hand, the truth is recently I have been living in fear in my mind. My mind is my personal jail of guilt, shame and fear. Outside these walls of my home are drugs, sick people and people who have hurt and tormented me. Outside of these walls are bad things waiting for me and if I go out there I am terrified I’ll give in, a man will attack me, I’ll be beaten, raped and abused. If I leave these walls so many bad things will happen. Just writing that makes me aware of how false it it is but in my head I feel it and experience it that way.

So I go out early when Father Sun is just waking up, I take my protecting German Shepard and we head for the woods and the unpopulated areas. We go towards the water, the river, the grass beneath my feet, the breeze in my hair, the sun’s warmth on my skin, the sounds, the birds and all of the Great Mother’s beauty surrounding us and I feel safe and at home. More safe and at home then I do in a locked up house I call home. That’s because the Great Mother called on me a long time ago as she did other women in my family, We were drawn to her and this religion if you wish to call it that, I call it a way of life, well it chose me and called on me, that’s why I feel so comforted in nature. I feel calm, relaxed and I’m able to meditate and listen to her.

I need to be more honest about myself, my situations and experiences in my day to day life. I need to be raw and real because that’s how we help each other, through raw, real life and raw, real problems and how we stay clean through it all. There are people in my life I have to protect their identities and privacy but I have to figure a way to talk about my reality and how I am experiencing, internalizing, and facing these issues without running back to the world that destroyed my life and nearly killed me.

I hope I have the courage and strength to be raw, real and honest with all of you. I want to share my entire journey without disclosing the identities of my loved ones or friends or of course the people in the rooms of recovery with me. I will do my best to give you what you really need and what I really need, to write about the entire package deal of my journey through recovery.

~Blessed Be~

Amy

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From → My Story, Recovery

3 Comments
  1. For me, in my blogging, that is how I have had to be. Unflinchingly honest. But within reason and limits to those in my life who read it and also out of respect to my own self – lashing myself never got me anywhere drunk, and doesn’t do so sober. I do have a propensity towards self-flaggellation, so I keep it in check. Honesty is how I keep myself in check. I don’t always stay honest, and even a white lie makes me cringe, but I am not perfect. I lie to myself often and if i don’t have someone else’s perspective, then I can continue to lie to myself. Hence me sharing with certain people outside the blogs…but I will often get some feedback that tells me so.

    I think your intent and purpose is noble, and this is how help others. We have bad days and things happen to us that challenge us. As you said, it’s often good to see how we deal with those as well as trumpeting the great things happening. But it’s a personal thing – some only highlight the positive (which is great) and others balance things out more. Each blog and blogger is different. So i am glad you are listening to that voice inside. 🙂

    Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, I do have to be careful though, I have a tendency to get blue and beat myself up for things. Writing about issues without disclosing people involved will be tricky so I am going to stick to my experiences without mentioning their names, roles, etc. I am going to write about my journey, how I am getting through it and be tactful in my ramblings! Sharing the bright and beautiful gifts of recovery is what gives people hope so I must tread carefully and stick to my original goal. This blog helps me. I share and it helps me let go, it helps me forgive and it helps me see all the beauty that surrounds me as well. ~Amy

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