Raw, Real and Honest ~ The Real Amy
As I made changes to my blog yesterday. I tried making it more user friendly looking over older posts and some thoughts kept entering my head about some things people close to me have said. They’ve talked about it’s great work I do sharing my story and writing about the things I have learned and experiences I have had. They have said it is wonderful that I inspire people and try to help by spreading awareness and education on addiction, prescription painkiller abuse and addiction and in particular opiate addiction and treatment of opiate addiction with recovery programs and methadone maintenance. I am an advocate of methadone maintenance and how it saves lives but more importantly how it gives us a life to live. I have also taken quite a beating so to speak, for my outspoken advocacy of methadone therapy and treatment programs because some people don’t agree.
Back to the topic at hand, the real subject of this post. Those same people who know me personally also say “that’s all wonderful and admirable, but you don’t tell them about the things and problems you go through currently that are challenging you, you’re mental health and you’re recovery.” Gee golly gosh why didn’t I think of that? Because they’re right and I don’t share the negative struggles of my day to day living. In my mind I think if I share my personal daily battles then it could scare a newcomer. If I share about my anxiety and agoraphobia it will make me look weak and sick and crazy and then who would take me seriously?
This blog is a journey. It is about the good, the bad and the ugly on the path down through the hell of active addiction and back. It is about recovering from the hell of active addiction and the continued journey through recovery. I have only been sharing for the most part, the good parts, the good milestones and the positive aspects to encourage hope and faith in people. I may throw a post or two in about a challenge I have faced but for the most part I’m hiding behind a computer and writing about the sunny happy parts of recovery. If I hide behind a computer screen and only write about the good things then I am not giving myself completely to my readers. Living behind a computer screen I can portray a persona of positive hope for people which on one hand is a wonderful way to give hope and faith so that others can find recovery and begin their own journey. But on the other hand, the truth is recently I have been living in fear in my mind. My mind is my personal jail of guilt, shame and fear. Outside these walls of my home are drugs, sick people and people who have hurt and tormented me. Outside of these walls are bad things waiting for me and if I go out there I am terrified I’ll give in, a man will attack me, I’ll be beaten, raped and abused. If I leave these walls so many bad things will happen. Just writing that makes me aware of how false it it is but in my head I feel it and experience it that way.
So I go out early when Father Sun is just waking up, I take my protecting German Shepard and we head for the woods and the unpopulated areas. We go towards the water, the river, the grass beneath my feet, the breeze in my hair, the sun’s warmth on my skin, the sounds, the birds and all of the Great Mother’s beauty surrounding us and I feel safe and at home. More safe and at home then I do in a locked up house I call home. That’s because the Great Mother called on me a long time ago as she did other women in my family, We were drawn to her and this religion if you wish to call it that, I call it a way of life, well it chose me and called on me, that’s why I feel so comforted in nature. I feel calm, relaxed and I’m able to meditate and listen to her.
I need to be more honest about myself, my situations and experiences in my day to day life. I need to be raw and real because that’s how we help each other, through raw, real life and raw, real problems and how we stay clean through it all. There are people in my life I have to protect their identities and privacy but I have to figure a way to talk about my reality and how I am experiencing, internalizing, and facing these issues without running back to the world that destroyed my life and nearly killed me.
I hope I have the courage and strength to be raw, real and honest with all of you. I want to share my entire journey without disclosing the identities of my loved ones or friends or of course the people in the rooms of recovery with me. I will do my best to give you what you really need and what I really need, to write about the entire package deal of my journey through recovery.