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My Ultimate Goal In Life

September 29, 2014

These past few weeks I have been Facebook and phone avoidy. Usually, this means trouble to those who know me well and ElizabethGadd3in the past they were right. This time was a very well deserved retreat from mindless web-surfing and phone calls and texts that just keep adding to the one thing I try desperately to avoid but always seem to attract, drama. Instead I specifically sought out information and research for my writing.

I always have several projects going, some I scrap and some I polish. I have been working on two different books. One fiction and one non fiction. Both of them are interesting to me in many different ways which keeps me working on them. In between I’ve been working on what I call “shorts” or “flows” which are just ramblings and beginnings of short stories. I was surprised when I realized some of these ramblings and flows sounded a lot like poetry, my grandmother’s specialty. I have never really read much poetry, just my grandmother’s and the required readings in college. Then these ramblings and flows started to come out of me so naturally, it surprised me and opened my eyes to new worlds of expression.

My two books I’m working on are more of a self taught trial and error quest. I am teaching myself using different styles and techniques for both nonfiction and fiction. Throughout the process I have begun to discover things about myself that I was previously completely unaware. I suppose if I sat down with some of my near and dear loved one they could help me take a deeper look at myself, my weakness and strengths but discovering them on my own slowly then comparing with their thoughts might be more beneficial. The point is that I went through some changes these past few weeks. I did a lot of writing and even more reading. It took me on quite an inner adventure into unknown areas of my soul. I have a renewed sense of curiosity that I had lost a few years ago.

Most importantly what started out as simply learning how to develop my writing skills turned into something much more valuable. I am learning about who I truly am, what my qualities are and what areas need work. I am learning about letting go of the past for good and moving forward after over two years of being “stuck.” Some therapists I read about during these past few weeks call it a therapeutic depression, a mental rock bottom before the patient is willing and open to new ways of thinking. Open to changing their old patterns of negative thinking and replacing it with new more self compassionate thinking. Maybe they are right but what I know to be true is life is constant change and that’s what fuels a healthy soul. A sleeping soul withers within a suffering human spirit, a stagnant life of just survival which unfortunately happens all around us and everyday someone dies of old age, of addiction, sickness or they are suffering so that they take their own life and the true tragedy is that they never really lived, they only survived.

I don’t want to survive. I want to live, truly and fully live. I have a lot of work to do in order to implement changes in my life, embrace change and to stand up and say I am not afraid anymore and I know what my ultimate goal is now. Peace. The beauty is there are so many places to find peace and it has so many different meanings. Every small goal I achieve at bettering myself and my life gives me peace. Ever changing, never ending and always fulfilling.

Love & Light ~Amy


From → My Story, Recovery

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