Growing up it I was taught many things in my family which was a wonderful family and a family with many problems, just like many other families. There is no perfect family. The media has helped to shape the perfect family, the American dream and what we are supposed to do with our lives and how we are supposed to act. I have spent a good part of my life trying to be just that, normal and perfect, two words I not only don’t believe in but I think are harmful words.
I was taught that negative emotions are bad and positive emotions are good. Having the American dream and being normal are good. Going against conformity and being your own person is bad. No wonder I was so rebellious as a teenager.
After I got pregnant with my daughter everything changed. I tried desperately to be everything I was supposed to be, act the way I was supposed to act, go to college, get a good job, get married and be perfect at every single one of those roles. It ended very badly when things spiraled out of control through a rash of events in short period of time. My entire world fell apart all around me. I felt I was a failure at everything in life so drug addiction took me down very quickly and came close to killing me…more then once.
Today, through everything I still have trouble seeing “the good” in me. The things I can do and the things that I can’t and why it’s ok that I’m not perfect, normal or conform to things I don’t agree with. I have steps I go through with ideas or revelations such as these. First I realize it and become aware. Then I analyze it, sometimes to the point of obsession. The tricky part is applying it. Knowing something and changing it are two very different things. Knowing something is wrong but feeling entirely different is an inner conflict that cause inner turmoil. Baby steps to changing it is difficult but not impossible. Having those deep seeded ideas of perfection and the American dream implanted in your subconscious about acceptable and non acceptable feelings and behaviors have a powerful affect. How powerful and how much changing is up to you whether you need counseling or help to do it.
It’s ok to be angry, sad, frustrated and scared. It’s ok to be happy, having feelings of accomplishment, excitement and love. All emotions are not only ok but they are needed. We need to experience these feelings as human beings. Its when they are taken to a level that is out of balance that there should be cause for alarm. So many times growing up I was told stop crying, find your smile, suck it up, that bad feelings are just that, bad. If I am not always feeling good feelings I am not flawed or a bad person. Balanced human emotions are healthy. Not being perfect is wonderful because perfection would not only be boring but drive a person to insanity. Not that insanity is bad either, I’m crazy and it’s one of my favorite parts of being me!
I am human. I am many things, many feelings, many flaws and many qualities. I am human and I make mistakes and I learn from them. I am human and I will never be normal or perfect and that sounds pretty fabulous to me.