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Let Fear and Change Be Our Motivators Not Our Prisons

February 4, 2015

A smart man once told me that if I’m not uncomfortable, I’m not changing. Change and fear are the strongest motivators of my behavior these past few years. I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone’s feelings or I’ll do something wrong, say something wrong. Fear and change have become my prison.

I’m beginning to make some changes, small ones, that help me get out of my comfort zone once in awhile. I don’t stall as much as I used to looking for any excuse not to leave the house. The last year or so has been the worst depression I’ve ever been through. I have become practically a shut in. I don’t leave and I don’t answer the phone. As these occurred in combination with increased panic attacks, another back injury and intense therapy I shut down almost completely.

Then I’d get a rush of energy for about a week or so and burn out trying to get everything done that I’d let go for months, become depressed over it and sink again. Sleep was my very best friend and depression gives me plenty of that. I had become completely paralyzed with fear. There is no one reasonable fear I can give that has gotten me here. In fact the best I can do is say the big bad world hurts and it hurt me so I’ll just stay in here thank you very much.

Unfortunately as wonderful as that sounds to those who know what I’m talking about eventually we realize its not normal. I had read somewhere that its not a mid life crisis when we get to an age and realize we haven’t done anything or reached any of our dreams, its a mid life unraveling. A therapist can help in this process by unraveling all the layers we’ve built up around us, our belief systems are even challenged, things we thought were real were perceived, its a very difficult process. It is a painful, depressing process but it has to happen to get to the gooey center and learn to deal with negative experiences, loss, pain and suffering in a more healthy way. That’s a heavy journey to recovery but it’s great news for anyone who feels lost in their mid life. There’s hope for a more meaningful life if the person is willing to do what they need to.

Of course everyone is different and everyone’s path is different but change and fear I think, are the two enemies that imprison people when they should be teachers and motivators. Maybe if we take baby steps out of our comfort zones we can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m beginning to take small steps and I am not going to hide anymore.

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From → My Story, Recovery

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