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What Does Real Freedom Mean To You?

January 17, 2016

Freedom to me is being myself without worrying about what anyone else feels or thinks. This is my life 10362644_797644780292484_6521160478769021477_nand I want to live it the way I want to. I will not be held back by social norms I do not agree with. I will parent my kids to the best of my ability. I want them to grow and be themselves with the best guidance I can give them. I will not wear a mask for you or you or you. No one owns me. I make choices, both good and bad. I learn from my mistakes. I learn from other’s mistakes. I am done with living my life under the pressure of approval from people I don’t even want to be around. I am who I am, love me, hate me or somewhere in between, I don’t care anymore.

I am living my life on a painful path of recovery from not just addiction but many other complex memories, traumas both physical and mental. I have done many negative things. Many negative things were done to me and it has prevented me from growing in positive directions. In fact I didn’t grow in any direction, I remained stagnant, frozen in time, frozen in pain. I could not even look at my own reflection for more than a second or two. I continued to fall deeper into the dark places inside of me.

I am not a bad person. I am worth something, I am loved and I am capable of loving. I have trouble accepting it, being loved; it’s hard for me to believe why anyone would love me, until recently. I have broken down walls, I have reached out, and I have become stronger and defeated many of those demons from my past. There are more monsters  to conquer and they snap at my heels as I walk ahead creating a life I want without thinking what others would approve or disapprove. I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness to be something I’m not.

My mask is coming off and the walls are coming down. I believe in myself today. I can become somebody, I can learn to love myself and rid myself of those negative voices telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I don’t have what it takes, all I do is hurt people, I’m bad and worthless. I don’t let anyone in because they’re better than me and if they know me they’ll hate me, leave me and hurt me. Some of those voices are from my past keeping me down from experiences with people who I feel sorry for today. I can forgive by putting myself in their shoes and trying to sympathize what it’s like to live inside their own mental prisons. It’s not easy but it’s how I cope.

Every day I write down very specific things about myself that I love and that I’m grateful for. Everyday I write them down and really believe what I’m writing. I’ve set a rule of 3 for myself. Three new things I’m grateful for every morning. What 3 small things will I do today that will improve my life for tomorrow? What 3 things do I love about myself today? How can I truly love others if I don’t even know how to love myself? It’s my greatest goal; to learn to love myself and break free from the almost impenetrable walls I’ve built around myself throughout the years. 

We don’t know what today, tomorrow or the future will bring but I’m breaking down walls for the first time in my life and I’m not following other shadows, I’m in front with the sun warming my face and my shadow’s behind me. I make my future with the choices I make today; it’s as simple as that. What are you going to do today that will lead you towards your dreams? What are you going to do today to change your path? Are you truly happy? What do you love about yourself? What can you offer to this life? Try to answer a few questions every morning, any questions that you feel you need to work on and stick with it. It takes 21 days, that’s 3 weeks, to break or gain a habit. I decided to take 21 days to learn how to love myself by telling myself every morning, “I am a strong, intelligent, funny woman. I love the person I’m becoming today.” Change your thoughts, change your future.

 

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From → My Story, Recovery

One Comment
  1. That is beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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