Going Through The Motions Of Life

I have spent many days in recovery just surviving. Surviving the guilt, the pain, the memories. They consume me. To say well that’s just not healthy and you have to fight it, is just a laugh now every time I hear it because it is just not that simple. There are complex variables that go into my illness, depression, anxiety and not to mention the physical disabilities I face, the chronic pain that keeps me shackled. It’s so hard for me to explain this and get a person to truly understand how challenging it is. I have come to accept it. I will have times or bouts of depression where I cannot shake it, cannot fight and even when I try it doesn’t help. It’s part of who I am and it also has a use. It gives me the ability to write posts like this. To try and help people see through the eyes of someone who goes through what I do on a daily basis, how I feel, what it’s like and how hard it is. I go through the motions, fold the laundry unload the dishes, go to my doctor appointments and counseling appointments but the truth is that it’s been like this for so long that it’s just part of who I am and my life. I know it’s not normal, I know it’s unhealthy and I know I have the strength to fight this. Which is exactly what I am doing but results to come overnight. You cannot wave a magic wand and expect everything to change. It takes time, it takes a lot of painfully sessions with therapists and then there’s the physical disabilities and learning how to cope and live with them. It is frustrating and it is hard but I am not throwing in the towel any time soon. I know why I survived today. I know what my purpose is but I won’t be able to fulfill that destiny until I am well enough to do it. Change takes time. One day at a time. And that’s what I’m doing, one day at a time I am trying to make small changes even if it is one simple post expressing how it feels to walk a few steps in my shoes. I wake up and try to remember the things that keep me going, what I love and why I want to keep going.  This helps me to stay the course, work through it and remember that I am very lucky to be here and that I have a purpose. It feels good to know that I am not just aimlessly going through the motions of life. I am building something, a life and adding building blocks to achieve my true purpose one day. I’m just not ready for it yet but I will be because I am a fighter.